I've been wavering over the past few months on the utility of dance clubs in mating. First I thought they were useless because they did not necessarily match people in the critical Values and Interests areas. Then largely I started believing they had compensatory advantages such as physical factors matching, and that only in a dance club could you approach the prettiest girl in the club and do something wonderful, nearly like sex, with her, while sensing critical attributes like intelligence, strength and sensitivity. You might be able to truly connect with someone directly bypassing the usual bullshit and propaganda which mainly divides us--even pretty well matched people. You could jump to the person of your heart's greatest desire rather than enduring endless religious* bullshit to get there. It seemed very promising and I wanted to take it as far as it would go. (*And political clubs are even more hopeless.)
But all of a sudden this week I got the downside in a big way. I think it's specific to partner dancing (though most people don't think much of square dancing, I'm thinking now it's more pro-social and somewhat more immune to these things, but perhaps slightly less fun, lacking in aesthetics, physical skill development, some kinds of social skills, and forging direct connections).
The downside of partner dancing clubs is Jealosy and Envy. I've often seen fights break out in dance bars, but I thought dance clubs would be immune. Dance clubs might be more immune to violence as such, but Jealousy and Envy can express themselves in other ways .
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| Nick ("Mick") Johnson demonstrating Charleston steps |
It was as a result of these things that I was banned by my club before I could make even the slightest progress in my finding a mate in a dance club project. I had been coming to the club and dancing for over two years, but the axe fell two months after I actually started to talk to the two women I felt most strongly about in the club. I wrote this letter to the club afterwards:
On Monday September 29, as I was in my car waiting for the club to open at 6:30, I heard a rapping on my car window by a police officer. Shaking with fear, I opened the car door, stepped out, and was confronted by Nick Johnson, a tall and wide man with a full beard, with two other ACSR dance instructors in the background. Nick said to me, "We have learned that you have been making unwelcome advances to members of our club. You are no longer welcome here. We ask that you leave immediately. Do you have any questions?"
I said "No" and immediately got back in my car and left.
I have now recounted the whole story of what happened to several friends, mostly women, and they all say the same thing, "Bullshit! You did nothing wrong. Guys in the club are jealous or envious."
In 2.5 years as a club member, I have only made "advances" to two women that I had fallen in love with after dancing with them several times. I walked up to each woman with a simple offer to determine their availability, rather than spending an hour drilling down into their personal affairs to see if it was appropriate, when there isn't much time available anyway. I simply made friendly offers, and and I immediately accepted the rejections I received in a friendly way.
I offered marriage to one woman I was virtually certain I'd known many years before in San Diego and I'd heard was recently divorced. I had been this close to doing that many years before when we got separated. It turned out, this was not that same woman, and instead she was already married with a grand child often present.
To the second one, I more conservatively offered that we go somewhere and talk so I'd know her better.
When they told me of their present attachments, which I had not known, I immediately accepted that this meant we'd not be seeing each other outside the club at all.
But they both said they wanted to talk and dance with me more inside the club. The second one thought it would be great if I'd ask one question every day to help me "get out of my shell" which she thought would be wonderful for me. Initially, I was taken aback, but then I realized this is exactly what I need, and it was a wonderful opportunity I'd hope to continue as long as I could. Sadly there was just one more question before I was banned. I asked what course she was taking and she said Organic Chemistry, a conversation which took about a minute before someone else asked for help.*
The very last thing I did with each of these women was accept a dance that they offered to me.
Given that I have done nothing seriously wrong, and that I was terminated for personal reasons, and in a perilous and upsetting way, I believe at minimum my ACSR dues should be refunded.
I have had many minor disappointments with ACSR too. The volunteer instructors pursue a poor, sloppy, and disconnected pedagogy, which makes me feel stuck at the same level, while the more elite who take classes elsewhere pull it all together and do very fancy stuff. I have had lessons in 10 other partner dance clubs and schools, and none were this poorly conceived. Nick is the worst. There are no outside activities, afterparties, retreats, and the like where you can get to know other people in the club better. The only real opportunity to do so is before the first classes, and hardly anyone but volunteers shows up then. The music is too loud, and to preserve my hearing I wear earplugs, further making conversation during the social dancing difficult, but I expect that in dance clubs anyway.
Maybe it is about time I try out other clubs anyway, especially if you are moving so far out. But I've never enjoyed a club so much for one reason: all the wonderful women in the club. Nearly all seemed to like me and like dancing with me, many asking me for a dance every night, or even multiple dances.
(*NB: The very smart and pretty woman taking Organic Chemistry is around 27 years old. She has a bachelor's degree and is now taking prerequisites for going to Medical School. She is the fiancee of the club president, as I learned on the second day of the 3 days we had a few minutes to talk. The first woman in the narrative is around 70. Nick Johnson always pronounces his name "Mick." I'm going by the printed name in the Calendar. ACSR is the Alamo City Swing Revival, which currently has permanent home in the Alamo City anymore, with the night on which I was banned being the last night in its most recent Alamo City location, and the next night being at test location 10 miles further out at higher prices. I've wondered if everything, including banning me, is part of a planned implosion. At this point I hope everyone joins other clubs, as I plan to do.)
It does occur to me that dance clubs could combine square dancing, which is about the most pro-social form of non-partner dancing, with swing or something similar. I think I have heard of clubs like this. Also some of the concepts from square dancing could be applied to swing, for example, review of some moves before each dance...and even calling. Another problem with ACSR is the the middle dance is a Shim Sham that's not even taught in the club. I think everything 'required' in the club should be taught in the club, and every effort made to ensure everyone is at the highest level possible, and not too divergent either. Even people who can't do some things should know what they are and what they look like so they can anticipate and deal with them.
